| Issue No. 14 - December 14, 2003 | Back to Home Page |
Wow! It's been a long time since we have gotten together for a Bible discussion on purity. I had to go back and read all of my other issues of THE V.O.I.C.E. to catch me up to where we are at right now. We have been discussing God's prescription for physical, mental, and now emotional purity. The first two may seem more obvious than the last, but I believe emotional purity is just as important as the other two in God's prescription for purity. Let's take a look!
EMOTIONAL PURITY
Have you ever been in a relationship where you started to feel trapped? Perhaps the one you were dating demanded a level of loyalty that made you feel uncomfortable. If so, you've had first hand experience with heated arguments, shouting, accusations, and hard feelings that end up severing friendships forever. It's possible that you yourself are the very one who has forced someone else to make a commitment to you and then held onto them with fierce, vengeful jealousy. If so, you know the feeling of misery and despair as you sense that person slipping away. There is no pain quite like the pain of watching that one you put so much emotion and attachment into as they “fall” for someone else. Whichever end you may be on, you know the end result is usually pain, agony, and even sleepless nights. However, did you know that the wounds go far deeper than that?
Most dating relationships start out far different than the description above. Usually someone gets an eye for the “cute guy/girl” at school and begins pursuing a relationship. At the very beginning, many young people are deceived by superficial thrills:
We are all too familiar with the 2 hour telephone conversations late into the night that are 50% talking, 30% breathing, 10% sighing, and 10% kissy noises. Conversations within which the phrase “I love you” accounts for a large portion of the 50% talking. Conversations which normally end with, “You say goodbye first.” The playful argument ensues for about 5 minutes, until finally the glorious conclusion is reached, “We'll hang up together!” At the count of three, both of you supposedly hang up the phone. A few minutes later you hear, “Are you still there?” And then, there is the exchanging of rings which act as a “possession tag” for everyone else to know “this one is taken.” Eventually, there is the exchanging of clothing and other personal items. Why, it's almost like practicing being married!
Oh, it all sounds so wonderful! It all feels so good. It all seems so perfectly harmless . . . but is it? Is it right for young men and young ladies to give away their emotions, loyalties and affections to a variety of people? Is there danger in prostituting your emotional purity for several buyers? What could potentially and probably be the long term affects of such activity? Let's take a deeper look into the downward descent involved in losing your emotional purity.
The Danger Of Developing A Mindset For Multiplicity
Many young people see no potential danger in dating around. They have become accustomed to giving their emotion and affection to one person, and then another person, and then yet another person. The cycle seems to be: Attraction, pursuit, dating, connection, physical intimacy, disinterest, break up, searching, attraction . . . You may say, “so what is the big deal?” It's a huge deal. You are developing a mindset for multiplicity! It is becoming normal to you to give your affection and devotion to one person and then transfer it to another within months.
As long as you feel the “warm fuzzies” toward someone, you stay connected to them, but as soon as your feelings change, you move on and your “commitment” proves to be empty. Usually, young people date for awhile until the initial emotional high wears off, and they begin seeing the errors in the other that “love” made them blind to. Then they break up and begin searching for someone else to start all over. They become addicted to the “initial emotional stages” of a relationship. Does not this explain why so many young people date each other for a few months before “moving on?” No doubt you've heard the lame explanation, “I just don't feel the same way about them anymore. I have to be true to my feelings.”
Let me ask you an eye opening question: When will this mindset for multiplicity end? The answer may scare you. The mindset for multiplicity will follow you right into marriage. What happens in your marriage when the “initial emotional stage” wears off, you begin seeing their flaws, and you lose some of the honeymoon magic? The same thing that happened in your dating relationships! You just move on! What happens is you get used to “moving on” whenever emotions die, when all the warm fuzzies disappear. You date this guy, then you date that guy, then you date the other guy, then you get married to this guy, then you get married to that guy, then you get married to the other guy. Can't you see the obvious danger involved in prostituting your emotions?! By the way, if you think my statement is unfounded, just look around you! Divorce seems to affect most of the people we know. I have heard married men and married women in fundamental churches literally say, “Well, I just don't feel the same about them. I have to be true to my emotions, so I'm moving on.” Doesn't that just make you sick to your stomach?! That is exactly what dating around and throwing your emotions around will do to you. It develops a mindset for multiplicity. Listen to God's warning:
“Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers with thee. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her . . . satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?” Proverbs 5:15-20
Verse 15 makes a few regulations on emotional purity. In speaking on the enjoyment of marital feelings/intimacy, it demands the cistern and well are “thine own.” The only way to make these feelings/intimacy thine own is through marriage. Verse 17 warns not to share your feelings/intimacy with strangers. That would include anyone who was not “thine own.” Notice the emphasis on “thine own.” What is so important about reserving my feelings/intimacy for one person? Verse 18 tells us it is important that we are always satisfied with that one person. Then, we are told the ultimate results of prostituting our emotions: We become desirous of another which turns into physical unfaithfulness. Where did it begin? It began with minimizing God's command to “drink waters out of thine own cistern . . . and not strangers with thee.” This leads me to the next danger of losing emotional purity.
The Danger Of Developing An Appetite For Forbidden Fruit
“Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” Proverbs 9:17
This is a natural progression of a mindset for multiplicity. When we establish a practice of dating around and sharing our emotions, we are developing some ungodly appetites. Here in Proverbs, the Lord tells us of this adulterous woman who is enticing others to join her for some sinful pleasure. She tempts them with this slogan, “stolen waters are sweet.” What does she mean by that? It's simple, she is appealing to their carnal desire for forbidden fruit.
Let me explain. During the dating times, they enjoyed the experience of “marital relationships” without the commitment. There is a sinful pleasure that comes with tasting “stolen waters.” In other words, the carnal appetite is for enjoying “emotions/intimacy” that doesn't rightfully belong to you. By giving out your emotions, you are feeding those wicked desires of the flesh. You are developing an appetite for forbidden fruit. When you get married and know each other for a while, suddenly you realize they are no longer forbidden. The appetite of the flesh that you fed is suddenly awakened, and the appetite is for “a stranger.” During the dating days, whenever this happened you just moved onto the next desirable person, so that becomes the natural reflex.
The Danger Of Developing A Heart Of Mutual Distrust
Let me cover this one last area. The last danger, and the downfall of many newlyweds who dated around and prostituted their emotions is the danger of developing a heart of mutual distrust. I know of a young married couple who experienced this tragedy. The young lady reserved herself for her husband and did not date around, share her emotions/intimacy. The young man, however, had dated several different girls to whom he had pledged his love and undying devotion. He had liberally shared his emotions, affections, and intimacy with a number of girls. Their marriage relationship had a strong beginning until they began discussing their former lives (it will come up). It didn't take long before she realized she had opened a can of ugly, smelly, undesirable worms. Why hadn't he been as faithful as she had?! How heart wrenching as the next years of their marriage was plagued by the disease of distrust. How could she ever be sure that he would not tire of her and move on as he did in his dating life?
Do you see the deadly danger of losing your emotional purity? Can you see how risky it is to sell your emotions for every guy/girl that comes along? One day you may lose the trust of your spouse. There is nothing more tragic than carelessly spending your emotions for a few years as a teen, and then reaping the harvest of pain and regret for the rest of your married life! Are you with me? Make a decision right now, no matter what mistakes you have already made, that you are going to keep yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally for the one person God has for you. Let me give you a few suggestions to help you stay emotionally pure:
Ladies, wouldn't it be neat to be able to buy your wedding dress now? Imagine going around to all of the bridal stores and flipping through all the catalogs hunting for just the right wedding dress. If you found it, I'm sure most of you would be tempted to try it on, even if you are years from marriage. Let's suppose you decided to wear it once to a special banquet. The guy you were dating really liked it, so you wore it more often. Then one of your friends saw it and just had to try it on. Well, they were a little bigger than you and they stretched it out a bit, but it still fit okay. Before long, a few more friends find out you were willing to let others try it on, so they get their chance in front of the mirror. Then, just by chance it got a little stain on it. Before long it had a few more stains and a little tear. Wow, it seems a lot less special now. You still wear it every now and then with your new boyfriend, but it just doesn't seem the same. When you put it away, you just throw it in the closet carelessly. It's just not that big a deal anymore. As a matter of fact, none of the friends are all that interested in trying it on. It's been passed around so much, used, stained, and wrinkled that it's just kind of common. Truth be known, it's not all that special to you anymore either.
No doubt, this picture does not appeal to you at all. Your desire is to wait till that wedding to get your dress. You want it to be so clean and new and fresh, and if your friend even tried to put it on, you might let her have it. Why? Because you don't want it to be common, you want it to be special. The same should be true about your emotions/affections/intimacy. You don't want to “try on your marriage” before you are married. To do so will cheapen it. You will stain it, wrinkle it, and cause it to be far less than special.
Someone might say in reference to my illustration, “I'd just buy a new dress if that's what happened to my old one.” That may work for a dress, but you cannot buy new affections/romance/intimacy. When you date around and let others experience your “marriage emotions” you are giving them a peak at your wedding dress. You are dragging what is special through the mud. Don't pass around your marriage feelings; keep them for the one you will marry. One day, when you pull that fresh, clean, new wedding dress out and slip it on, let it be just a symbol of the fresh, clean, new marital relationship that you have reserved for one man. All the emotions, love, affection, romantic promises, intimacy . . . “Let them be only thine own and not strangers with thee,” and you will be glad you did.
Well, I hope and trust it's been a help to you. I sure wish someone would have given me the same advice when I was growing up. I hope to hear from you this Christmas. If you have read any of this series, would you drop me a quick note? Unfortunately, the month of December is a busy one for me, so I won't be able to write again until January. See you then!
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